From out of nowhere, at the eleventh hour, the world finally had its answer. Gasps of awe rolled across the nation like a symphony of gentle waves conducted by King Neptune himself. With all the graces and confidence of a tasselled wobbegon, PJ divulged the true power behind the act of “freeballing”, a mysterious skill that until now has been kept hidden from the children of Eve, Adam, Jerry, and Roberto.
While the act itself has many applications, PJ related the true power of the gesture lies with the ability to “freeball” where one’s forehead ends and scalp begins. This obviously changes the religious, scientific, and political landscape for decades to come, and could result in the end of hats as we know it. This ability, like all things, has its limitations as it is rendered totally ineffective against fiveheads. How this will affect the world at large remains to be seen.
The WoW guild also resumed activities last year and is recruiting new members. While raids are scheduled for the upcoming year, the guild bank will no longer be issuing golf carts or fake pudding until further notice.
Yesterday, Yam finally weighed in on the wiping issue, reportedly doing his business sitting down “like normal people.” Talk of growing concern that this sort of rampant prejudice is spreading to other members continue, and, frankly, this reporter is concerned as well.
In other news, despite having finally gotten his hands on a pair of legendary boots of his very own, Yam still didn’t miss a step in his endless litany of complaints, and there appears to be no end in sight. Finally, the manhunt for “Two Legendaries” Dovahkin continues, and the reward has been increased to 50,000g—coincidentally, the amount allegedly owed to an anonymous would-be raid leader.
This was special correspondent G. R. Imjaw, signing off.
A national treasure was rediscovered this past week when Bigyam found a kazoo which he believes was given to him as a stocking stuffer several Christmases ago. Yam said it was “made of plastic definitely” and was green with a white bit. He decided to give it a quick blow but it just sounded like a humming fart noise which Grimjaw described as ‘sad’ in his mind. To showcase the instrument, Yam decided to play both O Canada and The Star Spangled Banner, and everyone thought the latter sounded more patriotic. He said he was a lot better at using a kazoo over a didgeridoo, as putting his mouth around the end of one makes his lips flap around too much get spit everywhere. Yam was able to this reiterate this information during one of his frequent strip teases in the Emerald Nightmare.
A heated debate continued this week over whether or not it is acceptable to stand up while wiping. The discussion began last week when the concept was posed to everyone by Grimjaw, who later admitted to regretting bringing up the subject in the first place. Bigyam thought it was never OK to do so, but Super said it is probably all right if you are doing it in your house. To complicate matters, difficulties were had in reaching a consensus on which is the correct way to hang a roll of toilet paper. Everyone was in agreement that is both aesthetically and functionally fitting to have the TP draped on the side closest to you, but there was some debate on if this is considered the “inside” or the “outside” of the roll.
This week’s human interest story centers around a weekend encounter with an airline flight attendant at Yam’s house. The man in question had come to visit Bigyam’s assorted alpacas, which he describes as much friendlier and less temperamental than llamas. Before leaving the premises, the flight attendant left an assortment of chocolate nut clusters wrapped into small packages which themselves were packed into a larger one. According to Yam, some of them had fruit inside. As of early Sunday morning, Yam claims to have not finished eating all of his nuts, indicating that there may be at least half a pound left over for tomorrow.
Controversy struck late last week when several of Bigyam’s knock knock jokes were met with a lukewarm reception among guild members. Yam had attempted to inject a lighthearted mood during an afternoon lull, but most were either unimpressed or away from the computer at the time. PJ reportedly groaned mightily after Yam tried to use the dated interrupting cow joke. Yam attempted to remedy this with the reverse knock knock prank, however everyone else had heard it already. Yam went down shortly after, having fallen into a hole his consecrate was covering up. Yam reportedly exclaimed “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK ME DAMMIT!” on the scene.